My liver just broke up with me...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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