farters have to be the big spoon...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
