I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
