Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
