so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
