He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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