I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
