It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
