I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
