Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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