I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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