I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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