We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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