what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
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I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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