I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
