I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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