I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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