I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
