He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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