i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
