you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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