A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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