You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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