that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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