I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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