Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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