Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
