the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
