Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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