I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you would pick up someone in the library
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
