I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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