dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
