My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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