i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
