How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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