I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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