Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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