The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
