please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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