My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
