So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
