ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's a naked man in my car right now.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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