I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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