I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
