well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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