just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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