It's Friday. Sex?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
