were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
