There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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