So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
