Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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