Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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