dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
why do cheetos always look like penises
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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