This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm at about main and main street
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
