I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is it penis luge time yet?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
