Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
