I'm gonna have a badass scar
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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