nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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