He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
