I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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